A collective exhale of relief was released from the fandom earlier this season on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, when the franchise finally decided to nix dinner topics like “you fat-shamed my dog’s caftan” to finally unpack the theory of quantum physics and neurophysiology and it’s relation to molecular healing from vibrational frequencies (it’s about time). To whom holds the honor of elevating dinner discussion from tarot readings to highly classified government conspiracies? Sir Aaron Phypers / Aaron Cameron / Mr. Denise Richards, AKA “D-packin’ Chopra.”
A wellness human tank, by way of Walker Texas Ranger, the only vibrations audiences were attuned to last season were the ones emitting from below Aaron’s Bootbarn belt buckle. The size of the rookie house husband’s womb broom fell out of Ms. Richards’s mouth more frequently than Kyle has a panic attack on a domestic flight.
But this season Aaron ignored all warning signs from the House Husbands Handbook to Navigating Reality TV Fooferah and went all in. Based a previous episode, ‘An Hour of Bouncy Bonding with Lisa Rinna,’ Phypers was intent on speaking The Truth™, if The Truth™ was a riddle from a rotted fortune cookie. Attempting to break up a fight, Aaron interjected: “When people win, also people engage because they want to see how people won …keep that in mind ladies.” That they did, as you could see the cogs turn behind their collective eyes. What? Was this the prologue of The Shart of War? The rest of his diatribe was equally confusing, attempting to drop truth bombs from space. It’s pretty hard to be condescending when the words never ascend. Much like Gigi Goode of Drag Race, this was not an Aha moment.
That said, Watching Aaron argue is exhilarating. Every jab is like a mad-libs of bro-isms, or like watching a straight guy solve an “instant shad” Rubik’s cube. He’s above their frequency, apparently. So what frequency is he on? We’d always gotten curious nuggets dropped every now and then as to what exactly his job is. Then, of course, the latest in the ‘Dinner Party From Hell’ franchise an episode earlier (in which Phypers and Denise seemed to be on high alert as to whether the government was listening – seriously), where he went on a heavily edited lunacy rant on quantum theory while Mauricio counted the vast black hole of minutes fly by before he could get his jush again.
It was insane. Definitely up there in the Museum of Errant House Husbands collection of Antiquities, alongside The Career of one Slade Smiley, A Night in Prison at the Apollo, and Simon McCord’s red leather pants. Phypers business apparently is called the “Q360 Club,” which according to their website is a “state-of-the-art healing center designed to foster optimal health in mind-body-spirit.” Q360 uses sound therapy and a “holistic approach to harness a wide range of energy fields to accelerate healing and amplify healing capabilities. Just in case you’re wondering, yes the scientific community disowns it, and yes he thinks big pharma is out to kill him, at best it’s “Big Parma” a heavy set Italian Maitre d’ who wants his look back.
Whatever, either way, we have this on our TV sets, and we’re glad to see it. The more alarming moments, however, are his chilling aggressions towards Denise both at this dinner and in the latest episode, when the pair left hand in hand and he muttered under his breath: “Don’t tell me what to say, I’m going to crush you f*cking hand.” Foreshadowing indeed, as the rest of the season is about to heat up once again for the couple when chaotic evil fan-favorite Brandi Glanville (who entered the franchise without a leg to stand on, literally) is back to do what she does best: hunt, kill, and destroy. The rumor? Brandi has secretly been in a sexual relationship with Denise outside of her marriage. In the real world: “oh sure, maybe they’re in an open pansexual relationship with like-minded consenting adults,” on Real Housewives: “Escandalo!”
Regardless, this information comes by way of Glanville Courier Pidgeon, meaning it’s carrying an avian bird virus intent on leveling 90210. As for The Richards, we’re strapped in and ready to burst, waiting to see how this turns out on the remaining season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. In the meantime, some sage advice for Mr. Phypers, to quote Lisa Simpson: “tis better to be thought the fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt”.
Next: The Real Housewives: Worst Couples, Ranked